Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
