How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
