Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
