two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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