I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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