mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
