Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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