i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
