saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
