Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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