The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
