Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
