This is not my ceiling
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
