When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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