just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
