I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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