Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
