Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
