FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
