What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
