Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
