i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
