My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
