how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I did not marry a roomba.
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