Where is the hickey?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
