you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
