Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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