dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
