As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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