We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
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Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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