It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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