Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
the raccoons are back...
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