party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
