I intend to get homeless drunk
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
