All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
