Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
