By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
