Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
