I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
