Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
