it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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