Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
