I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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