i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
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How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
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Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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