4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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