moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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