I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Rumble strips road head = magical
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
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