don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
