Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
