from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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