I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
