I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
