my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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