I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
