I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She's allergic to latex.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina