some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
