Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
