If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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